“Shame and criticism are not effective motivators. Adjust your self talk accordingly.”
The words that come into my line of sight, though brief they may be, are often greatly considered. Perhaps to my own demise, but I found myself wanting to push back on this seemingly insightful quip. Shame, absolutely an ill effective use of motivation. Shame can disguise itself as conviction, a necessary element of personal growth, and yet horridly envelops in itself an attack on self worth.
Your value does not diminish even in the face of horrendous decisions. This truth does not excuse foolishness, yet it sets value apart from actions. Value is inherent. It cannot be touched. Shame would have you believe otherwise.
Criticism however. Well, criticism can actually be just the motivation necessary to prompt change. We all need to change, because we are all fallible beings, capable of goodness and yet equally capable of foolishness. To convince ourselves otherwise is, in essence, to believe one is capable of reaching perfection, or at lease side step it with few consequences. Indeed we should aspire to come close to uprightness in all things, but even if we nearly obtain such a feat, let humility prompt a constant desire to mature.
If convinced of this being a necessary plight to human nature, then let’s hone in on two elements of our conversation. Firstly, that we are looking to discover what then is an “effective motivator”, though again only if agreed that we each require some form of motivation that will prompt us to be better versions of ourselves while honoring the constance of our worth. Secondly, that we are speaking of “self talk”, and the way we are personally calling ourselves to some level of accountability in maturity.
We are not interested in merely letting someone else do the work for us, and so excuse ourselves to live on in oblivion, or worse yet, on the cheap side of grace.
That all in the forefront of our minds, we can tend to this question of effective motivation. Because to some I may say that criticism can indeed be effective, and you nod your head in mutual understanding. You understand how criticism, when not intermingled with shame, has been the nudge you needed for self improvement. However others of you might refute the idea completely, attesting that criticism can only lead to a sense of diminished value, and simply has no place in self prompted growth.
Both perspectives being correct.
A friend shared with us the beginnings of their plight towards healthy living. Several years ago he was overweight, and all in one moment found himself in the hospital, now made keenly aware of the fragility of his heart. He acknowledged his poor habits and there decided, once strength and wellness returned in fair amount, to remove the physical pressure placed on his heart and commit himself to health. A loss of one hundred pounds later and I still see an occasional social media post of his jogging path, a time that he has come to most evidently treasure. Though brought on by an extreme circumstance, he needed to gently admit that his way of living was in desperate need of change. He needed to humble both body and actions, without demeaning his inherent value, so that he could find the courage that would bring his body in line with his resolution. To withhold acknowledgement of his part would potentially otherwise hold fatal consequences.
Though without a life altering moment to this degree, I understand being motivated by necessary doses of self criticism. I analyze my motives often, and regularly ask myself where I have been foolish or selfish. Only just the other day I was mentally wrestling with some text messages that were thrown my way, and knew that my perspective of this particular relationship is a bit skewed because of history. I know that my lens is tainted, and so recognize when my line of sight has the tendency to be unfair. No matter how such a history brought me to this perspective, I know that to dismiss any feelings as justified and so rightly felt are far from the foundation of love that I long to cling to, honoring that same truth that all are inherently of great value, history aside.
It is here that self exposure, perhaps a more swallowable term than criticism, can turn blindness into discovery and justification into restoration.
Yet there is snare waiting readily for the critical view, and perhaps where those of you who refuted the idea of criticism being anywhere near helpful will at last agree. Now before we go on let’s firmly establish that we are still focused on “self talk”. Receiving criticism from others, though certainly holding some similarities, is not at all our focal point. A strolling patient did not walk by, hooked onto his IV drip, and call into our friends room “You’re fat!”, before disappearing around the corner. That would have been of no aid to the change already underway in our friends heart, and perhaps only affronting damage. Though still, whether personality or remnants of ones upbringing, criticism can become automatically demeaning, even with every attempt towards wholeness, and speak only as a bully in one’s head.
Jordan understands this. While I discern foolishness and have grown in wisdom through self generated criticism, he absolutely does not. Recognizing this, I asked him then what his motivation for change might be? If self exposure does not prompt improvement, then what does? After some late night chatting, our girls having already sauntered into bed, asleep in between us while we carried on our dialogue, we both agreed that Jordan often looks to the stories of others.
Whether the words of a respected speaker, the story unfolded in a biography, or a friend well admired, he does not come to desire change upon discovering where he is lacking. Rather, he sees where someone else is thriving, and moves in that direction.
We’ll call this outside inspiration. Already it would seem that this route should be much more readily received in its approach towards self improvement, and we are in less danger of diminishing ones inherent value. As times would have it, our current cultural climate adores this type of elicited change. Simply remove the term “outside” and we have probably painted a reflective picture in one word.
Inspiration.
When inspired we can be kinder to ourselves but still move in the direction of progress. And although we can be inspired in an area that already matches our current state, most often we attribute inspiration to areas where we otherwise feel to have fallen short. An inspiring person can certainly prompt us to keep going along a way we have mastered, but often times inspiration moves beyond mere reminders and into game changers. We want to grow while suffering little damage to our souls.
I get this too. Actually I at times wonder if my writings would be better read if I would be a tad less critical of human nature, but as we’ve established, this line of thinking is how I tend to my own maturity, so it feels comfortable and even invigorating to me. Though I’ve thought about occassinsaly taking the more “inspiring” road, such as has the name of one we all know: Joanna Gaines. Insert here whoever you like, but you have heard me reference her only recently with regards to a striking Insta story that I felt compelled to write on, but only because she is such a marvelous picture of inspiration in the way that we are most prone to receive it. She does not bring to light the reasons we should examine our work ethic, but her family’s commitment to hard work inspires you to tread in their footsteps. She does not call out the loss of the dinner table, but is diligent in her efforts to meld family into cooking, and so has you considering what you bring to the table, and with whom you share a meal.
Her life as presented to us has a way of highlighting ones personal gaps by filling them in for us, and so we are left with a longing to fill such gaps in an equivalent way. No self-criticism necessary. Only movement forward. Inspiration is a beautiful thing.
Though each have their pitfalls. And because I have written far too long a writing for one post, we can speak of these traps in our next Sunday juncture together. For where there is any portion of the self there is a tendency to see only what we want to see and not what we need.
EXPOSITION: Consider the two forms of self improvement. In which do you find yourself most readily receiving personal growth?
RISE: Reflect on your own story and jot down or recall to mind a handful of instances that confirm your answer to the above. Where has self criticism served you well in sparking a necessary change? Where has someone else’s story highlighted an area in need of growth?
DENOUEMENT: “Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.” (Paul’s letter to Timothy to encourage him in his journey)