Desperate.
Have you ever felt this way? Specifically in your marriage. An argument with a loved one that demands resolution, yet an embrace is hard pressed. A clear divergence in the journey forward that seems to hold no compromise other than disappointment. An expectation that looms prominently over every task, every inquiry, even every conversation that makes little room for understanding.
Over this last holiday weekend, we ventured up to Michigan for a few days to visit Jordan’s Dad. We have often affectionately referred to these nights away to Michigan as glamorous camping. We sleep in a pole barn. A really nice barn, mind you, that feels more like a one room home, yet still rustic enough to feel the stamped concrete on our feet in the morning and in the winter months, the warmth of the pellet stove in the evening. Cell service is practically obsolete, and the woods envelop us as we take rides up and down the dirt covered road in a gator covered in camo. The river sits serenely in view while we dip our feet in a kiddie pool, refreshed by our favorite Michigan brews.
Although this time our hearts were rather heavy. The company was only there in part, and one evening we sat out on the green wicker rocking chairs, gazing at stars and fireflies while sharing in both laughter and tears at the memory of the woman who had affectionately come to be called Grammy K. The time was much needed, as we realized this time of year will always hold a deep place of meaning for us, as it was the last time we were with her as herself. Fighting the cancer that ultimately took her life, but never once letting it diminish her exuberance. A selfless gift to those that knew her in the four years she battled.
Though as we sat there, her husband made a comment that I have been thinking on.
“It takes just as much effort to grow together as it does to grow apart. We grew together.”
I have always seen marriage as requiring immense intentionality, and so naturally assumed that the choice to love someone every day takes a greater amount of effort than to simply not love them. Or at least to let the love you once experienced simply fade.
Yet perhaps that’s not entirely true. Yes, marriage, in all its privilege and passion, demands selflessness and submission, maintaining a sense of self while being made one with another. Although maybe there is indeed an intentionality required in allowing love to grow apart. The way that would seem to succumb more readily to the brokenness of human nature, or at least to the low relational precedence our culture has set, is not necessarily the easier way.
It takes intentionality for a woman to grasp for control at the expense of respect. Or for a man to engage the eyes of someone not his own at the expense of trust. To peruse social media over an evening of conversation once the children are in bed, or to share more meals with coworkers than with one another, or to exhaustingly satisfy the demands of a job that impinge on effort given to needs at home, are all choices to be made that will either work towards growing together or growing apart.
Earlier this year Jordan and I wrote ‘Just Say’, a song that, although is not our story, we know to be a familiar one. A story we’re very passionate about. I share it with you now because we believe love is a choice, and though the end of life is not a fear we need to hold in the forefront as a motivator for loving well, it has served as a reminder that to grow together is as deep a choice as is growing apart. You only have one lifetime to choose.
Would you take back the words you said
Now that you see what lies ahead
Was it worth it for your pride to let the blind lead on the blind
Come let’s see and then we’ll know
If it’s over
Is this as far as we go
Did you take us
Down a road that you don’t know
For every time we try to make it right
Is every time your words put up a fight
And I won’t dare get in the way
Of what you want to say
So say goodbye
Just say goodbye
We’ve come to think two hearts are bound
To as long as love as sound
So to say you’re not in love in to say how far we’ve come
Always hinged on how you feel
So it’s over
This is as far as we go
Did you take us
Down a road that you don’t know
For every time I let my guard come down
Is every time you’d rather play the crowd
So how could I choose to deny
If love can simply say
Say goodbye
Just say goodbye
If there’s a reason to stay
Would you find it
Would you deny it
Tell me that there’s another way
Or is love not a choice for you to make
Is it over
Is this as far as we go
Did you take us
Down a road that you don’t know
For even though you’ve heard the truth in love
You’d rather let your heart strings come undone
And would you give another day
If all you have to say
Is say goodbye
Say goodbye
