August 22, 2019. The date is a significant one. Every story has pivotal moments that shape the course of life. Sounds drastic, but only because such moments are. What you thought you knew turned out to be misunderstanding. What you trusted in turned out to be betrayal. What you believed you were walking in diligently turned out to be the very tool used against you. Not all pivotal moments take on such an unexpected turn, but mine did, on August 22nd, and perhaps you have been there too.
I recall my intentionality to display, in spite of what I was experiencing, a push towards unity – even if broken – and an uncovering of truth. Even if such a discovery meant that there was more at fault within me than I had otherwise come to acknowledge. As a leader in the church I recognized all the more that my response was imperative to my leadership, even though it was coming to an end. I still longed to walk in a way that exemplified maturity, and better yet, humility.
And Lord knows that when the very core of yourself is wounded, you want nothing more than to… let’s just be real… throw everyone who YOU FEEL has hurt you under the bus. Whether justified or not, when you respond as a way to restore your pride, then you convince yourself that worth is found in being affirmed. I had to remember that while I wanted truth to have its place, it needn’t be sought after at the expense of another.
Although the subtle temptations to expose someone’s shortcomings did not always feel so subtle. Even if relegated to hidden corners of my heart than actual gossip ridden conversation, I found myself stewing in the hurt that led to my own form of seeking justice. I would have liked to say that such temptations were with an intent to protect those who didn’t know any better, but would be influenced nonetheless. Perhaps in part my Golden Retriever side was coming out, even though I rate as a Lion/Beaver according to the experts, but I am rather tired of us using the results of our personality tests as excuses for our shortcomings. My love for my church family would not have been love in the slightest if it served to fragment rather than bring together.
Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes you do need to walk away. That’s what I did. Some relationships, some circumstances, some organizations function more like dangling carrots than healthy meals. Sometimes the way to love both yourself and the other well is to recognize that this just isn’t working, and meanwhile, slipping out the back door would only make room for the questions and confusion that slowly drive little wedges into trust. Sometimes you need to let truth have its place so that you can let hearts speak for themselves. Perhaps all the time.
Just this morning I was chatting with my mom. It’s her birthday, and we have decided to have weekly coffee over FaceTime while the girls have some Daddy-daughter time. These minutes have already been so refreshing. I don’t know if we will have the joy of regular coffee dates and birthday cupcakes in person some day, but to idealize nonexistent circumstances without current effort doesn’t make much sense.
We chatted about a good number of things, and she made an astute analogy to these types of circumstances. Those where the relationship, whether with a person or a place of work, is like an uncommitted couple. Where love and respect may well have their place, mind you, but they function more like a dangling carrot of all that could be, tethered to the back handed comfort of being able to pull the string up at any point in time.
Suddenly you find that every act, every conversation, every slip up, becomes a potential point of contention that can be readily relieved with a quick yank and a slip of paper. Such a meal was never meant to nourish if only able to be ingested in pieces, or barely at all.
Nonetheless, here we are. One year later and life probably still just as full of questions and unknowns as it was the day I walked out that door. Such moments will have us, yet when I consider all that was, I am grateful to know that such is a piece of my story, reaping the character and humility required of all that will be.
EXPOSITION: What pivotal life moments are you finding come to mind? Perhaps you are in the undertow of such a moment right now.
RISE: A humbled response is the most difficult one, but the only way you will have the capacity to love not only others, but yourself, well. Sit with someone over a cup of coffee. Wear a mask if you must. Seek out their insight, rather than their gossip. Let what happens from here speak into your story without undermining another’s.
DENOUEMENT: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”