Expectation: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
I had the immense joy of being raised in a home that was truly a safe haven for me. No, I cannot deem it perfect, but in contrast to disjointed marriage relationships and frail parenting, pretty darn close. Coming from an intact family unit meant there was no need for split holidays or birthdays. On Christmas day we celebrated together, at our home. There was no makeshift secondary Christmas morning. It wouldn’t have felt like Christmas otherwise, as from eve until the car ride home from Grandmas, we were seeped in tradition and familiarity, all consistent with that magical day in December. Birthdays – oh my, I may as well have been a queen. Not because I was inundated with lavish gifts or finery beyond my years, but because at every moment I was made to feel remarkably special. From constant references to being the birthday girl and multiple choruses (in harmony mind you) of “Happy Birthday” sprinkled throughout the day. And the cake – oh the cake. Poured over most ardently by my beautiful mother, who always created a piece of art (no fondant required) that spoke to my budding personality. Home was an oasis, and the days we celebrated were just as much a safe place as home itself.
Although my poor husband. The expectation of near perfection was cemented too long ago to allow room for less. I think I actually turned him fearful of my birthday, as the pressure to get everything just right seemed to only spread with each passing year. I had found a way to take my sweet memories of the reality of what was, collide rather grievously with the unknown of what could have been. Expectation turned memory into misery.
Of course our first inclination, in spite of expectation’s propensity to lunge us into unmerited demands, would be to ask; What’s so wrong with having high standards? We make wiser choices when we set a high bar for ourselves and the people we surround ourselves with. Marriages, those with the most longevity and higher rate of success, have actually been proven to come from those whose spouses think better of their partners than that individual thinks of him or herself. In other words, if I consistently have a heightened view point of my husband – one that believes him to be better than he even thinks of himself – and he feels the same of me, then we will more readily offer each other the graciousness and forbearance required for a long-standing, and meanwhile marvelously enjoyable, relationship. So let’s keep those high expectations coming!
Well… almost. To think well of someone is one thing. To even think so well of someone that we grace them with more credit than they might actually be due is probably a missing piece from many relationships, romantic or otherwise. But look again at that definition of expectation: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. Rather than letting our expectations arise as a result of someone’s esteemed character, our expectations jump straight to the requirement. Expectation, removes itself from the person and isolates itself to a scenario. Expectation foregoes how it might portray someone, and prefers to throw them into a position demanding of perfectionism. Expectation gives little room for variables and is concerned less with ability and more with idealism. Expectation tells you that something has to be a certain way – often times your way.
Our expectations are defeating us. They have turned future pursuits into falsely attainable realities and people into perfection laden relationships one move short of disappointment. Rather than expectations being the result of a distinguished, disciplined character, whether in our children, our spouse, or our friends, we have let expectations become the mold in which we want the world to function and all who fall prey to its wanderings. We use expectations to make demands that cater well to our own shortcomings. We expect much because, in its weakest form, expectation requires little of us and more of those around us. And when people or places fall short of our ideal, we hold nothing but a barrage of misgivings, often towards those who love us most deeply.
EXPOSITION: Expectations truly are a beautiful way to think well of someone else, but should be attached to someone’s character, not your demands. Can you think of ways that you have found yourself turning expectations inward? How has this perhaps become unfair to those you love?
RISE: When you find yourself “expecting” something of someone else, express to yourself the praiseworthy nature of that individual that would allow them to meet that expectation. Elevate their character before focusing on your demand.
DENOUEMENT: “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (from the Proverbs)